Finding Reason Edward's POV Extras to Lost Cause
by bonnysammy
Summary: This is a companion to Lost Cause, just some scenes from Edward's POV. There will be key elements but main story will stand on its own. It isn't necessary to understand thefirst chapter, but please read Lost Cause first.
1. Chapter 1

Thanks for the interest in my story. For those of you who have reviewed, the time you have taken is always appreciated.

Thank you to everyone at Project Team Beta. You have helped me so much. Again, I strongly suggest everyone to use their services. The link is still in my profile. My work is my own but without the beta's to help, it would be worthless. They are looking for more betas if you are interested.

Thank you to my Twilighted betas: Strider and qjmom. I would like to especially thank you for your persistence last chapter, Strider.

I do not own any of these characters, or the original plot to the Twilight Series. Everything publicly recognizable belongs to their owners. I am doing this only for the pleasure I gain from writing and I am not associated with anyone or anything to do with the Twilight Series. There is no financial benefit, whatsoever, though I may wish there were.

My work is my own.

* * *

The music reverberating from the speakers of my stereo had once brought great joy, but recently, I found that this was no longer the case. Over the last few months, it had become increasingly difficult to enjoy the objects that once gave me pleasure. _Everything_ seemed to only serve the purpose of reminding me of my solitude. Tonight, much as every other night recently, I sat pondering the tedium of my meaningless existence; wallowing, as my sister so inappropriately thought.

_I may not be as constantly upbeat as Alice but that doesn't mean that I'm wallowing. I just see the truth in reality. _

I was on the black, leather couch in my room, my sanctuary, when Alice's almost imperceptible mental voice interrupted my peace.

_Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Wasn't it bad enough that I had to experience the two lovebirds, drowning in each other's eyes wondrously, downstairs? Now, I was going to be battered by her overly cheerful thoughts. I really am such a curmudgeon. They'd all be better off without me to bring them down._

Alice and my parents, Esme and Carlisle, had spent the day hunting. It was odd that I could not hear the other two yet. Due to Alice's distance, I still could not make out her exact words, but I surmised from the trill of her excessively excited internal monologue that the hunting trip was not the reason for her jovial mood.

Finally she neared, and I began to decipher words. _I can't wait until everyone meets her. She's so perfect._ The comment didn't make much sense; who was she speaking of? Since Alice was still on the periphery of my talent, I could not share her eyes. As a result, my interest was extremely piqued, something unusual lately. To my dismay, Alice started thinking about something completely uninteresting as she neared the house. She was obviously avoiding me, much like last night.

_Walpiri Sign Language and then Aramaic? What was she trying so hard to avoid thinking about?_

I heard the front door open as Alice's high-pitched voice rang out, "We have a visitor coming. She's lost . . . and human. We need to prepare the house." I tried again to invade her thoughts for a glimpse of what was happening, to no avail.

_Did she just say she's bringing a _human_ here? Has she lost her mind? How can Carlisle, of all people, allow this? A house full of vampires is no place for a human._

I heard Alice and the rest of my family whooshing around downstairs, trying to make the place look as 'normal' as possible. The sounds of furniture being rearranged and pictures and artifacts being removed from the walls echoed throughout.

Alice was flitting around the room as she spoke. "I don't think we should all be in this room when they arrive. It would overwhelm her." A brief flicker of brown hair flashed before her eyes. She commanded, "Emmett and Rose, sit on that couch and pretend to watch TV. Jasper, you should probably keep your distance, anyway, so please stay upstairs. Then, you can hang back by the staircase. Edward, stay in your room, for now"

_Sure. Why not?_

Not long after Alice's orders, the sounds of my parents' minds broke into my consciousness. They were keeping up the human charade in front of the female, so it was taking quite some time for them to arrive home.

A few more moments passed before I could interpret the words to their thoughts. But since neither of them was looking at her, I still could not get a solid picture. I was overly interested in seeing this female.

_I hope everyone can accept her_, Esme thought, her kindness seeping through as soon as she reached my mental barrier. _She's so lovely. It would be wonderful to have a new daughter_.

_Wonderful! They're bringing another lost soul, another mind to assault mine. _

_The child appears to be fine. But I wonder, will everyone agree with the fact that we have accepted a human girl in our midst?_ Carlisle interrupted my selfish thoughts. He was right to worry about her safety; she was in a truly dangerous situation. Then, I realized something he had just thought.

_Not only is this human a female, but a child nonetheless. Don't we have enough time around human children in that purgatory called High School? Would I have to be attacked with her fantasies as I was by the others?_

I thought they were completely wrong in their actions, of course. Bringing a human child into our world would eventually lead to letting her know of the existence of vampires. This could only prove to bring heartache for us and the girl. I pondered what it would mean should any of us kill her. And, provided we did not do so, what would happen should our police of sorts, the Volturi, became aware that she knew our secret? They would surely kill her, or worse, steal her soul and transform her into a shadow, a mockery, of her previous self.

I did not know this child, but I could not feel anything but guilt at pushing the girl toward this fate . . . my fate.

Lost to my own thoughts, it took me a moment to realize that the group was now walking up the front steps to the porch. I was finally able to gain my first sight of the girl using my Alice's eyes. The girl appeared to be quite young, maybe in her mid-teens. She was standing next to Esme and appeared slightly shorter than her. Her hair was long, brown and mostly straight. The mahogany locks framed her lovely heart-shaped face perfectly. Her thin skin was pale, not quite as pale as my family's but certainly unusually so. The contrast between her hair and eyes and her near white skin was striking. She looked at Alice, and her eyes seemed to speak to the very core of my being.

_Was this why the others had brought her? Did she have a talent that made her impossible to resist, akin to a lost puppy? She followed me home, can I keep her? _

Immediately, I felt this pull to see her for myself. I could no longer lay dormant in my room. She was exquisite, intriguing and I needed to see this creature for myself. It was a compulsion.

She looked so fragile walking in the front door with her brows furrowed and her bottom lip pulled between her teeth. She tripped on the door jamb, and made a disgusted face as she stepped in the house. I heard myself chuckle at her overt act of clumsiness, not something we often saw here, and her emotive face.

_Was that Edward?_ thought Alice as she followed the woman-child through the front entrance. _How strange._

She was correct. I had not been in much of a mood for laughing recently. It was nice to have the doldrums lifted, if only temporarily. Again, I felt the pull, the necessity, to see this girl for myself. It was as if no one else's eyes could do justice to her. I wouldn't really see her until I gazed upon her with my own eyes.

I desired to be near her. She seemed so delicate and in need of protection. It was an odd feeling. I didn't ever remember feeling the need to protect another creature.

As I was standing to leave my room, I noticed their group was walking towards Emmett and Rosalie, who were sitting on the couch. The girl was now out of the bulky parka that had hidden her figure. As she stood, still covered in clothing that was much too big, I noticed how slight she was. She was a tiny little thing with curves in all the right places. I felt an attraction to her that I had never felt towards another being before. In fact, I didn't remember even feeling this way when I was human. I wanted to run up and caress her soft, warm cheek.

_Whoa, there boy_, Jasper's mental voice rang out. _I have _never_ felt that from you Edward. Where is the lust coming from?_

_Lust? What? No, that is _not_ possible._

_Do you doubt me? _Jasper asked, a tone of mirth in his thoughts which angered me. He was enjoying my confusion. _Hmmm. I wonder . . ._

Then he began reciting several of his texts from above in an attempt to shut me out. I heard a few random words like odd, bound, girl and my name but none of it made sense. It annoyed me to try to follow his mostly hidden thoughts, so I conceded defeat.

Although I wished to run downstairs and meet the girl, I fought against myself and decided it was best not to overwhelm her with all of our presences at once. Besides, I needed to calm down. I wanted nothing more than to go to her, but I would allow her to acclimate as much as possible- I would place her needs before mine. Then I would introduce myself last. I grabbed the remote to my CD player and switched to a classical CD. It was what I often listened to when I needed peace.

I heard Rosalie scoff at the presence of the human girl in our house. This angered me, though I had recently had similar thoughts of my own. My outlook on her presence had changed immensely since seeing her lovely form, even if it wasn't with my own eyes. Rosalie looked away, muttering to herself and obviously still annoyed. The girl must not have had a talent for charming people like I had originally thought. I wondered why she had such a strong effect on me.

Emmett stood and spoke. In his typical tactless fashion, he made an offhand comment, nearly terrifying the girl from the look on her face. I wanted to throttle him for scaring her, and I wanted nothing more than to go comfort her, though I did not know how to do so. Alice's thoughts echoed my own, and I think either of us would have taught Emmett a lesson in being a gracious host, but luckily, Jasper stepped in and tried to set the situation at ease.

I silently thanked my brother for his kindness, though I knew it was mostly to alleviate any discomfort Alice was feeling. He could not bear Alice's distress.

Suddenly, I realized that I was nearing the second story landing. My body had moved itself closer on its own accord.

As I turned the corner to stand at the top of the grand staircase leading to the ground floor, I took a deep breath and was assaulted by the girl's scent. In that instant, all rational thought left. Her beauty…her innocence, they had no power over the thirst. All that mattered was the smell of her blood. I _had_ to have it. I _had_ to mute the burning in my throat, and her sweet blood was all that could ease my torment.

I saw Alice's vision of me attacking the girl, just before I was atop the stairs. The monster in me jumped in anticipation of tasting this most precious elixir. I had tasted human blood before, of course, but I had experienced nothing compared to this girl's draw.

I knew my family would attempt to stop me from my goal, and I stood above the scene ascertaining the best course of action to take this girl and drain her. I could not look away from the child below.

I hated myself for these thoughts, but I could not dwell on that, all that was important was tasting the girl's blood. The excessively tempting girl still stood below.

I heard Alice's voice, but did not pay enough attention to understand what she had said. It did not matter; all that mattered was that I was a predator and the girl below was my prey.

Emmett placed himself in front of my quarry, I assumed as protection. I curled my lips in warning snarl. She was mine and I would have her. I could _easily_ out maneuver him.

"All this over a human child?" Rosalie mumbled quietly. "I hope Edward just kills the girl and gets it over with. It was such stupidity to have brought her here." She then exited the house. I was sure that the girl couldn't have understood her words, but her intent was apparent no matter what. The girl earned a short reprieve as Rosalie's hateful words sunk in. My possessive nature and protective instincts kicked in. I now wanted to attack Rosalie for thinking such horrid things about the angelic creature below. A creature I had just wanted to murder. A creature I still wanted to murder.

I was utterly confused about my current state. I took another breath in an attempt to steady myself. Immediately, my anger with Rosalie dissipated and my focus returned to my prey, a hapless victim of my monstrous nature. Emmett had moved the child farther away from me.

_Yo, Bro_, Emmett thought. _Calm Down. You don't want to hurt the little human_.

I glared at him. He had no idea what I was going through, and he was attempting to keep me from what I most wanted. This angered me to no end.

As I was about to strike, Alice and Jasper pounced on me. They had used Rosalie's diversion against me. They were not going to allow me access to her. I roared in frustration and attempted to free myself from their grasps as they dragged me out of the room.

"Hold your breath," Jasper whispered, "that will help."

I did as he said, and I was met with instantaneous relief. I wondered why I hadn't thought of that. Of course, it was only a small respite, but it allowed me to think more clearly. As they pulled me from the house, I stared at the girl again. She was stunning, even covered in leaves and mud. I wanted to take her to out and get her covered in even more leaves, maybe on her bare skin.

_What the hell is going on? I can't decide whether I want to kill her or pair off with her. No, I would never do either to something as precious as her. I would never allow my black persona to cross her path. Her humanity makes her far too precious and fragile._

We left the house, and they dragged me across the river. In the fresh air outside, I could not believe that I had allowed that child to let the monster take over. I was exceptionally embarrassed with my prior reactions.

_How could I have reacted that way? _

I sat with Alice and Jasper for a while, discussing everything that had occurred. Even as I sat, I could not help but spy on the unsuspecting girl. I found her through Esme's eyes. She stood in our kitchen in front of the unused stove. I watched as she spoke with Esme. She was extremely sweet, carrying on an easy conversation as she ate what appeared to be Spaghetti in a red sauce.

As she spoke, she swept her tiny hand gracefully through the air. Her facial expressions held the key to each of her internal thoughts.

_Wait a minute. I can't her hear. Her conversation was intelligent enough that she must be thinking something, but I hear absolutely nothing. How odd._

"Edward . . . Edward?" Alice questioned. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"I think you need to go hunting. Jasper, will you go with him?"

Jasper nodded, and we started off together.

I was glad to leave; I needed to think about this situation. I was obviously attracted to the girl in many ways; unfortunately, not all ways were positive. In fact, one way she appealed to me was the worst way possible.

I went hunting with Jasper, taking down a whole herd of elk. The taste was vile after having experienced the bliss of the girl's scent.

As I hunted, I came to the realization that I had to leave until the girl was gone. I would not risk her life at my hands. And, my very presence did such. If I stayed near, I would not be able to keep myself away from her; that would be impossible.

I explained to Jasper, knowing that Alice would see my decision, as well. Jasper agreed that she was tempting, but he did not have the same lure I did.

After our conversation, I began the run up to Alaska. As I ran, I hoped that my intentions would not be misconstrued. I knew Tanya would probably believe that I had come to take her up on her previous offer. That thought now caused a tinge of repulsion that had never gone through me before. I felt like I was betraying . . . something or someone. _How odd_.

I was utterly confused and terrified of what had just happened. I needed to get away in order to think through the circumstances, so I ran. I ran from the too tempting girl. I ran from my family. I ran from my home. I just ran.

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Hope you enjoyed this.

Okay. So this isn't the Rosalie POV I thought I was going to post as you can see. I have that written, and it will go off to beta as soon as I receive Chapter 6 back. Chapter 6 totally kicked my butt so it will probably need to go back for a second beta run.

I hadn't planned on posting this at all, but since I failed with the chapter and I will be going without an update for a while pretty soon, I figured I should post something. It seems too feminine and redundant what with the Alice POV, but I hope someone enjoys it.

Next will probably be the RPOV of the "big reveal." I will add that as a separate story. I haven't decided on a title yet.

For those of you interested in helping out Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation, please check out the information on the Fandom Gives Back. For those of you who don't know Alex's lemonade Stand Foundation is a public charity to fund childhood cancer research projects

Per the Fandom Gives Back Site:

The mission of Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation is to raise funds and awareness of childhood cancer causes, primarily to support research into new cures and treatments; to encourage and educate others, especially children, to raise money for childhood cancer by holding their own lemonade stands; and to expedite the process of finding new cures and treatments, and bringing them to children with cancer now.


	2. Decision

A|N:

Thanks for the interest in my story. For those of you who have reviewed, the time you have taken is always appreciated.

Thank you to everyone at Project Team Beta, especially my permanent betas, Strider and jfka06. They help pull everything together! :)

I do not own any of these characters, or the original plot to the Twilight Series. Everything publicly recognizable belongs to their owners. I am doing this only for the pleasure I gain from writing and I am not associated with anyone or anything to do with the Twilight Series. There is no financial benefit, whatsoever, though I may wish there were.

Now, heeeeere's Edward:

* * *

2. Decision

I felt no better after Tanya's pep talk. In fact, her attempt to pressure me into reading the email from the girl staying in my family's house irritated me slightly. Though, when I thought about it, her other topic regarding woman trouble probably had aggravated me more. She had no clue what she was talking about; her theory didn't make sense.

Through my annoyance at the manipulation attempt, I was shocked to hear that the human girl was trying to communicate with me, and I had no idea why this girl was still living in the house at Forks. Though I wondered about the circumstances, I would not let my curiosity force me into an irrational and dangerous situation; so I didn't care.

I couldn't be angry at Tanya for her attempts at persuasion. She was coerced into talking to me by Alice--my sister was unbelievably persuasive when she wanted to be, often using this fact to acquire a sought after goal. I was sure that my disregard of her plethora of phone calls, and thus her efforts to control me, had irked her, forcing her hand.

I hadn't expected that my mood _would_ improve with any sort of conversation but now, after Tanya's baseless claims and push to read this email, I thought it was worse. As I lay in the snow, staring at the sky, trying to think of anything but brown eyes, a heart-shaped face and pale skin and brown hair and... Anyway, I had difficulty focusing on anything but the girl. Like an invading army, she assaulted my every thought leaving destruction and confusion in her wake.

It was odd to react this strongly; as I had only seen this girl for a few moments--a few very strained and tense moments. Maybe my fascination was due to her scent or perhaps it was the strange silence surrounding her. There was no doubt she was entrancing, enticing even–unfortunately, for her, this was true in the worst way possible.

For a few more hours, the snow-covered ground was my refuge–or lack thereof as no place on earth could free me from my own thoughts. I lay there, and pondered whether to read the message the girl had sent or ignore it and continue wallowing. I was not sure if any good could come from reading it, wondering if I was just feeding my new unfounded obsession. After much internal debate, I realized that lolling around, doing nothing, was not helping the situation either way. I needed to be proactive.

I rose and began on the path to Tanya's front door as impatience and an unknown emotion began to fill me. This strange unfamiliar sensation worried me, and I contemplated what this bizarre feeling could be. After much deliberation, I settled on... fear? I briefly wondered what could cause me to feel that way; I hadn't been afraid of anything for almost as long as I could remember.

Even in my blurry memories of the flu epidemic, when I knew my end was near, I hadn't feared death. I knew I'd had nothing to fear; I was young and unsullied, naïve in some ways, my soul still intact. There was no need to worry; I would be taken care of in whatever afterlife there was.

When I had dreamed about going off to fight in the war, I had felt nothing but excitement and zeal. I was going to be a hero. Nothing terrible could or would happen to me; that was impossible. I was headed for an exciting adventure, as the military had been billed, not a terrifying ordeal.

Death? Injury? Pestilence? They had no possibility of harming me, or so I had thought at the time; my arrogance led to a sense of invincibility even in my fragile human state. How was it that now, after all my years as a vampire, I was apprehensive? I subdued the unnerving emotion, hiding it behind the memory of _her_ face, and walked up Tanya's front steps.

I stood before the door and looked down, assessing my current state. It was obvious that I had not thought about my appearance in some time – I was a sight, more resembling a vagabond than the monster I was. Under the coating of snow and bracken, my clothes were wrinkled and tattered. I brushed myself off, not wanting to leave puddles or track dirt across Tanya's house. She had already seen how disheveled I was, so I made no attempts to smooth any article of clothing or even run my hands through my hair. I didn't care to, anyway–I had no one to impress.

The door whipped open and Tanya peered into the opening. "Hello, Edward. I was sure you'd be coming soon. Couldn't stay away, huh?" She winked and stepped back, creating space for me to pass and motioning for me to enter. "The computer's over there." She pointed to the corner of the living room, though I already knew where it was–I knew this house as well as any of my own. I was cursed with an infallible memory, even when I wished otherwise. _Her_ face flashed before my eyes again. I shook my head, trying to rid the image.

"Thank you, Tanya," I replied. Calmly, I walked across the room and sat in the desk chair–I didn't want to appear too eager, though my enthusiasm seemed to overpower me. This was an even more interesting and strange emotion. It had been too long since I'd felt anything but apathy and these sentiments were so strong that they seemed to knock me over and pull me into them with the force of a tidal wave

.

I looked at the monitor of the sleeping computer and nudged the mouse to awaken it. After the monitor lit up displaying the desktop, I opened the browser and typed in the URL for my web-based email. I entered my user name and password, clicked login and the messages in my inbox displayed in a list before me.

It had not been long since I last checked my email but I noticed that I had been inundated with junk mail. I decided that I needed to deal with those before I could read the message from the girl. I meticulously read and promptly deleted each junk mail message, paying strict attention as I didn't want to delete something of importance. After four-hundred nine messages and less than ten minutes–I had been able to keep her image at bay by choosing instead to focus on Viagra and imitation watch ads–I had nothing left to use as procrastination. There in my inbox was one message entitled "Come home" from a free email account for a Bella M Cullen. I clicked on this message because I assumed this was the name the girl was using.

_Bella? How appropriate. Wait! Why is she using our . . . my last name?_

A thrill ran through me – I enjoyed the fact that my surname was attached to the girl's first far too much. I dismissed yet another alarming reaction, and turned my attention back to the computer.

The email loaded and I began to read.

Dear Edward,

I apologize that my presence has caused this break in your family. Please believe that I would not impose these difficulties on you and your family if I had another choice. Currently, I am dependent on your family as they appear to be the only ones who can understand and accept my situation, and they have been so helpful in working toward a resolution.

As I wish to reunite you with your family and to alleviate your discomfort as much as possible, I have discussed the issue with Carlisle and Esme – two of the most accepting and wonderful people on this planet. It seems that there is a small cottage on your family's property. It is currently in a fairly dilapidated condition, but a portion is possible for habitation, at least for sleep. Your family has assured me the rest can be available for a permanent home within the week – an amazing and greatly appreciated gesture. As soon as it is possible for me to make this my residence, I will move there. After my move, I will have as little contact with your house so as not to inconvenience any of you further.

Hopefully, these actions will make it easier for everyone involved, especially you and Jasper. I am sure Rosalie will be pleased with my absence, as well.

I will work very hard to settle my circumstances as quickly as possible, considering my presence has caused enough trouble for your entire family, especially you. I am wholeheartedly grateful to everyone for having been so accommodating.

Please return to your family when you can. I do not want you to exile yourself anymore on my behalf. Again, I will do my best to remain out of your hair during my stay, and I resolve to make my time here as short as possible.

Also, I wish to thank you for the sacrifices you have endured so far. I am sure that you want to be with your family and I am beyond grateful that you have put my safety ahead of your own desires. It must surely be a monumental undertaking. Although I cannot fully comprehend, nor can I fully appreciate your efforts, I am entirely awed by your strength. I know we will more-than-likely not meet, but I hope - probably in vain - that this email can convey the appreciation I feel toward you as well as the remorse I feel for having put you through this.

Thank you so much,

Bella

If I had thought that reading her words would lessen my confusion, I was utterly incorrect. At first I was angry because she had plainly been told that I was away because of her. It made me wonder what else she had been told–though from the reasoning listed in her email, I was already sure she knew our secret. Again my protective feelings for the girl flared, and I began to worry for her safety. Certain knowledge, especially of the existence of my kind, put her in danger, and it was clear from her words that she knew what we were.

From the tenor of this email, the piece of her soul bared there, it was obvious that she was kind and unassuming. She was self--sacrificing–especially for someone she didn't know. Her word choices and phrasing also displayed that she was intelligent and well-spoken.

The undertone of the email shocked me, though. Upon first read, her inner strength was largely evident. But, after having read the message a few more times, there was a vast amount of self-doubt apparent in her words. Her self-deprecation lay behind almost every syllable written.

For some unknown reason, her lack of self-worth struck a chord of both frustration and irritation within me. How could she think so little of herself. I was embarrassed to admit that I read the message many more times than was necessary, in an attempt to rid myself of those feelings. It didn't help.

Each time I read her email, I felt more drawn to her, more confused by the situation. As I turned over her words again and again, my dead heart ached for the sacrifice she was willing to make for my family, for me. She was prepared to isolate herself for my happiness. I had been separating myself from others for so long that I knew the pain accompanying such a decision. She thought of herself as an imposition, never once taking into account the facts of my monstrous nature, other than to blame herself for something over which she held no control.

_What an amazing creature._

Above the awe of her nature and sadness at her present situation, the thought of her being alone in the middle of a sometimes dangerous location filled me with worry. She'd never be able to defend herself against a wild animal or, heaven forbid, one of my kind. Annoyance at my family because they were allowing this rose to the surface.

I felt blessed that I was not home. I wouldn't want my Irritation towards my family and my almost constant emotional roller coaster to have been so apparent. Jasper would sense everything and think I'd lost my mind. Emmett would ridicule me non-stop. Rosalie would be smug and upset that she wasn't the spotlight. Alice would regale me with visions. Worst of all, Esme and Carlisle would worry about my reactions.

With that last though, my parents' concern, I knew that my family would not leave the girl on her own in the woods. Besides, they were not to be blamed for this situation.

If blame was to be placed, it fell directly on my shoulders, no one else's.

From this lone email, I could gather one thing in particular about this girl, this Bella. She was _good_. Her kind nature and lack of ego, her unselfish acts and bravery to have me near -- all of it, when put together, led to this realization. She was truly rare.

My head was battered inside by the questions that arose from this letter. I finally had to stop myself from continuing to reread it. My main concern was how I would keep the girl safe if I decided to return. Could I be sure that I would not destroy her precious life? I decided that I would need to mull these questions before making any concrete decisions.

I thanked Tanya for the use of her computer and walked out to my previous place, my spot to think, in the snow. Time passed quickly as I lay there pondering my options and their subsequent outcomes. I analyzed the situation from every angle I could think of. Could I ensure that the girl would be safe? Could I endure much more time away from my family, away from where I wanted to be? What would I do if I didn't go back? If I returned, would I be able to be near the girl at all or would I need to keep my distance? _Could_ I keep my distance? If I was that close, wouldn't I want to be closer? Wouldn't just the memory of her scent draw me in?

It momentarily flashed through my mind that I must be frustrating Alice with my vacillating decisions. I was briefly amused by the idea of thwarting the little fortune teller, but my thoughts quickly returned to the girl. Nothing else could hold my attention long.

"So, what're you thinking?" Tanya asked, her lovely voice invading my rumination. I hadn't even noticed her approach—from the irritating smugness to her thoughts, I could tell she enjoyed being able to sneak up on me, as it was unusual to say the least. _You're going home, aren't you?_ Her thoughts were more a command than a request.

I wondered what stake she had, why she was so vigorously interested in my return to Forks.

"I haven't... entirely... decided that yet." I said lifelessly.

"I think that you _need_ to go back," she said, her voice more gentle than her thoughts had been. "You need to face this head on. You're not the type to run from troubles, women or not. You will handle this."

I thought about what she had said, realizing that she meant it; her thoughts echoed her words. I wanted very much to be that man she described, the one who would face challenges rather than run. I had always thought of myself as that person, but the girl's presence and my subsequent reaction had shaken my confidence in that facet of my personality. I had been extraordinarily weak. Did I still have the ability to be strong? Again, I dithered.

Mostly I feared that I could not ensure the girl's safety, though I wanted nothing more than to return home. I missed my family immensely, even Rosalie in her selfishness. With that thought, I remembered Rosalie's resentful reaction to the girl the night of her arrival. I fervently hoped that Rosalie had altered her outlook toward the girl and given her a chance. It was evident that by just communicating with Bella, attempting to understand her, you could not help but like her.

Her words displayed before me again: "_I would not impose these difficulties. . . if I had another choice. . . Hopefully, these actions will make it easier for everyone involved. . . my presence has caused enough trouble. . . I resolve to make my time here as short as possible._" Those last words cut me to my core, almost a physical pain. I was sure if Rosalie gave the girl an opening, Bella would win her over.

Knowing Rosalie as I did, though, I was also sure she had never given the girl the opportunity. My protective side once again blazed for Bella.

_Is this some strong protecting the weak instinct? The girl looked so fragile._

Her face appeared before me once again.

Before I'd consciously chosen, my decision was made. I _would _be the man other people thought I was. I would face this trial head on. I would give the girl the break that I was sure Rosalie was refusing–I would _not_ allow myself to be tarred with the same brush. The girl should not feel that I was against her as well.

"You're right, Tanya. Thank you."

She smiled and pulled me into a warm hug. It was odd how different this meeting was from when my family last visited, a few months ago. I didn't think it was I who changed, though.

"I'm going to use your computer again," I told her. "First, though, I'm going to get a change of clothes from my family's home. I'll be right back."

"Of course. I'll see you soon." Tanya's smile was radiant. Again I wondered about her investment in my return home.

I raced to our nearby log cabin. The caretaker had obviously been there recently -- everything was orderly. I ran to my room and pulled a shirt and pants from the closet, disposing what I had been wearing in the trash. After a quick shower, I dressed and began to make my way to Tanya's.

An oppressive weight lifted as I walked to her house, each step closer felt vastly lighter than the last. I was sure Alice would see my decision to return soon and run off to tell the rest of the family. I knew they'd be happy, especially Carlisle and Esme, for my return and this helped to ease my agitation.

It was difficult to find a rental company willing to allow the one-way trip between the Denali area and Washington due to the necessary return journey through the dividing country. But after a little finagling, I had acquired an . . . acceptable car for my trip back. The vehicle was unavailable for a few days which was suitable for me; it gave me the opportunity to steel myself for the battle of self-control I was bound to endure upon my arrival.

The girl believed that we would never meet again. That would not be the case–I could not permit it to be. I needed to confront and conquer the temptation this girl presented. I would find a way to make myself safe, and then I would face this head on. I _would_ defeat the inner demon.

After acknowledging the fact that I would see this girl in the future, I allowed myself to give in to obsession and reread her email another time or two . . . or twenty. In her email, I noticed that she made reference to her _situation_ more than once. I wanted to kick myself for not answering Alice's persistent calls. Maybe that would have given me more answers.

In that thought lie my salvation or in reality, the girl's; a new twist, a mystery that piqued my inquisitiveness. Maybe curiosity would be enough to keep this Bella alive. For both of our sakes, I hoped so.

* * *

End Notes:

And... cue Alice's vision.

I hope you enjoyed this. People had asked for his reaction to Bella's email and here it is.

I am trying to work on Chapter 9 without a laptop, but that's proving difficult. I'm also working on a story for Twilight 25. We'll see how that goes.

Also, I have signed up for two Support Stacie Vampire AUthor Auctions. I know I won't bring much, but I hope not to be too embarrassed! :) Heck, maybe I'll end up buying myself.

Auction 1: http://www{dot}supportstacie[dot]com/phpBB3/viewtopic[dot]php?f=16&t=179

Auction 2:http://www{dot}supportstacie{dot}com/phpBB3/viewtopic{dot}php?f=16&t=180

On a side note, a OS I wrote for the Mystic Award Dare, Another Auld Lang Syne, was rec'd on the Lemon Sister's blog under their Welcome to the Peach Grove Section. It is an area where they rec non NC17 stories. Actually, it was their first rec in this area! How awesome! I want to send a quick thanks out to them! :) And, if you like the lemons (who doesn't), and you're old enough, why not check 'em out!

http://the-lemon-sisters{DOT}blogspot{DOT}com


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